Please read this with humor.
Rule 1
If you pull into my driveway and honk your car horn, you’d better be delivering a package,
because you are not picking anything up.
Rule 2
You will not touch my daughter.
You may glance at her, as long as you do not look at anything below her neck.
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body,
I will remove your eyes and hands from your body.
Rule 3
I am aware that it is current fashion for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they are literally falling off their hips.
Still, to be fair and open-minded, I will compromise.
You may come to the door with your pants ten sizes too big,
and your under wear showing, and I will not object.
However, in order to insure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely to your waist.
Rule 4
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, or other current events.
Please do not do this.
The only information I require is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at home;
and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is: early.
Rule 5
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it’s ok with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl;
you will continue to date no one else until she is tired of you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 6
As you stand in my house waiting for my daughter to appear, and an hour goes by; do not sigh or fidget.
If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting a house.
Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful like changing the oil of my car.
Rule 7
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness in general.
Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, cut off T-shirts;
or anything other than overalls, sweaters, and a goose-down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic, or sexual theme are to be avoided.
Movies that feature chainsaws are OK. Hockey games are OK. Old folk’s homes are better.
Rule 8
I am sure that you have been taught that in today’s world, sex without using a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate; when it comes to sex I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule 9
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be balding, pot-bellied, middle aged, dimwitted, and a “has been”.
But on issues relating to my daughter I am an all-knowing merciless god of your universe.
Do not toy with me.
If I ask where and with whom you are going, you have only one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and an acre behind the house.
Hee, Hee, Hee!! This made me laugh so I though I would share. :-)
No, they are not our family dating rules, and I didn't come up with them (I stole them from 36th Avenue @ http://www.the36thavenue.com/), but there are some pretty good rules here!!
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